Heading Into July

Sorry. I know it's been a few weeks since I updated. I'm awful at actually staying consistent with things. Be prepared for awkward two-week gaps between posts on a fairly regular basis.

We're standing on the cusp of July, and I can't seem to get my ass into gear. My working title for The Empty People has changed to Forget Me Not, which fits much better. I was incredibly pleased with myself for that. Although I hate quippy, cliched titles like that. Usually if a title hearkens back to a cliche, I drop the book. But it works so well! We'll call it a working title for now. I'm not 100% sold on it right now, but it's better than The Empty People. So TEP is now FMN.

I'm 29 phases into a Phase Outline, and I can't decide if it's looking fantastic or grim. That's odd -- the two are so different that it's usually a very clear-cut line. I'm expecting the outline to run about 300 phases, which means 29/300 puts me at about 10% of the novel. I'm just finishing the setup, so for a novel of this size and "flavor," that's about where I want to be. So around phase 75, Ineroh needs to show up on Yosseval's doorstep at Periwythen Estates. That means that Y needs to move to Periwythen around phase 60-65, which is comfortably close to where I am right now. Yes. This will work. So I need one more major scene, then the engagement scene, then a magic issue, then Y can creep off to Periwythen. Golden. This will work.

Anyhow. Back on topic. I'm not sure how much of this I need to get plotted before Friday. I'm hoping I can get at least the first 50k (150 phases) written before the month starts, but that's looking questionable. At the very least, I need to get to the point where Ineroh shows up at Yosseval's door. That's the disconnect. There's always one. In my stories, in the 20k-25k range, there's always an awkward "bump" in the writing process where I suddenly realize that everything I've written is shit and I have no idea what I'm doing anymore. Theoretically, I'm hoping the phase outline will eliminate that. The stories usually unravel at the connecting point between the first and second act. I know WHAT happens next, but I stumble over HOW and WHY. The phase outline is forcing me to worry about that now rather than in the middle of writing. I'm hoping I'll be able to skip that step and actually get this damn thing finished.

Part of me wants to try for 100k in July with TEP/FMN and then work on Blood Debt in August. Silly. More than silly: stupid. I need a win. My confidence is at rock-bottom right now, where it has been languishing for several years. I need to prove to myself that Harvest, my first novel, wasn't some monstrous fluke. I haven't written anything substantial since then. A short story. Some flash fiction. Roleplaying posts. Essays. But nothing solid. I don't need a big, flashy finish. I just need to be able to say, "I can do this."

The house is filthy. I want to clean it before Camp starts. Part of my reluctance is the bit-off-more-than-I-could-chew paralysis, which is normal. Part of it is just me being obstinate. Mom has been particularly pushy about me cleaning lately, which is making me resist. I don't want to feel bullied. I think that's a very rational, normal response, but she makes it sound like I'm being a petty child. I don't see it that way. If I give in, if I allow myself to be shouted at, I set precedent that "a firm hand" is what it takes to control me. I do not intend to be bullied into doing things. Therefore, I will not respond positively to bullying. Period.

But it's frustrating, because I want to clean right now, and if she would stop pushing and pulling and shouting and pleading and making a huge deal out of it, I could actually get something done.

I need to move out.

I need to move out.

I wish PetSmart would call me back. I need that job, too.

And this is where I start wallowing in self-pity. No, wait, that happened a few paragraphs ago. I'll spare you the whining for the rest of it. Maybe I can clean the bathroom. That's both necessary and easy, and Mom wouldn't be watching over my shoulder the whole time...